10 Things to never do if you’re dealing with a narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist, especially when it’s a family member or romantic partner, can feel like an uphill battle. 

You might find yourself constantly second-guessing your own needs and questioning what the ‘best thing’ or ‘only way’ to handle situations is.

Whether you’re entangled in the seductive early stages of love bombing or are coming to terms with the narcissistic tendencies of someone close, it’s crucial to hold onto your sense of self.

You may not realize it yet, but the most important thing in these narcissistic relationships is to maintain healthy relationships with others who can be part of your support system. 

Narcissistic tendencies can drain your energy and chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you feeling like you’re always at a disadvantage.

But here’s the good news: You’re not alone, and there are strategies for keeping your sense of power and sanity intact.

In my experience and with hindsight, there are certain things you should never do when dealing with a narcissist, as it will make your life a little easier.

1. Don’t Ignore Red Flags when dealing with a narcissist

You know that feeling in your gut when something just doesn’t seem right? That’s your internal alarm system, and it’s crucial not to ignore it, especially when dealing with a narcissistic family member or partner. 

Even though narcissistic traits can sometimes be subtle, they often wave red flags that signal a need for caution.

1.1 Love Bombing

Let’s talk about love bombing, a common tactic used by many narcissistic people. At first, it feels incredible to be showered with attention and affection, right? 

However, if the intensity seems over the top and it’s all happening too fast, it could be a strategy to manipulate you. Love bombing is not about genuine care; it’s about gaining control.

1.2 Give and Take

Notice how the relationship feels. Is there a balance between give and take, or does it seem like you’re always the one giving? 

Narcissistic people might take advantage of your good nature, expecting you to cater to their own needs without considering yours. They thrive on taking, rarely giving anything back that doesn’t serve them somehow.

1.3 Treatment of Other People

Keep an eye out for how they react to other people. Narcissistic people often display a pattern of behavior where they talk about themselves incessantly, crave admiration from everyone, and seem to have a constant need for attention. 

1.4 Dismissing or Devaluing You

They may also dismiss or devalue the accomplishments and needs of others, positioning themselves as the most important person in any room.

1.5 When Things Don’t Go as Planned

What about when things don’t go their way? Pay attention to how they handle criticism, no matter how slight. Do they lash out, give you the cold shoulder, or manipulate the situation to make themselves appear as the victim?

This reaction is a classic sign of narcissistic rage, an intense anger or aggression that can be terrifying and damaging.

Different types of narcissists will exhibit different red flags, but the underlying theme is the same: They prioritize their own feelings and needs above everything and everyone else.

It’s a good idea to set boundaries early on and stick to them. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it might be time to seek advice from a licensed clinical psychologist who can provide insight into these behaviors and help you navigate the relationship.

Ignoring these red flags can lead you down a path of emotional abuse and an abusive relationship.

Recognizing them isn’t just about protecting your mental health; it’s the first step toward establishing a healthier dynamic, either with the narcissist or without them in your life.

So trust your instincts.  You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, always.

2. Don’t Neglect Your Own Needs

In the whirlwind of managing a relationship with a narcissistic partner, it’s alarmingly easy to lose sight of the person who matters most: you.

2.1 Your Needs

It’s not selfish to prioritize your needs; it’s necessary, especially when you’re dealing with someone who has a knack for making everything about themselves.

Narcissistic people often expect you to put them first, compromising your well-being in the process.

Think of it this way: If you’re always focusing on their needs, who’s taking care of yours? It’s like being on an airplane and not putting on your oxygen mask first—you can’t help anyone if you’re struggling to breathe.

Start by identifying what you need to feel healthy and balanced. Is it:

• Time alone?
• Pursuing hobbies?
• Being with friends? 

These aspects of your life are essential, not optional. They’re the foundation of your emotional support system, and neglecting them can leave you vulnerable to further manipulation and emotional injury.

Having a narcissistic partner or family member doesn’t mean you should give up on the idea of a healthy relationship—be it romantic or platonic.

2.2 Self-Esteem

A close relationship with someone who respects and supports you can be the best thing to maintain your sense of self and boost your self-esteem, which can take a hit in the presence of narcissistic people.

And when it comes to low self-esteem, be aware that narcissists often exploit this to maintain control.

It’s one of their manipulation tactics. They might imply—or even tell you outright—that no one else will care for you the way they do, which is not only untrue but a way to keep you tethered to them.

2.3 Boundaries

Establishing firm boundaries is not just a good idea; it’s vital for your well-being. It’s about respecting your own needs and making it clear that your feelings, thoughts, and desires are just as important as theirs. 

Yes, they might not take it well. Yes, it might lead to them trying to regain the upper hand, but that’s all the more reason to stand firm.

2.4 Your mental health

Be vigilant about how the relationship impacts your mental health. If you notice signs of increasing anxiety, depression, or a sense of helplessness, it may be time to seek professional help. 

Talking to a licensed clinical psychologist or joining a support group can provide you with the tools to not only cope but to flourish.

Neglecting your own needs in favor of the demands of a narcissistic partner is a surefire way to create an abusive relationship. It’s the kind of advantage that they’re looking for. 

Don’t give it to them. Instead, cherish your needs, nourish your spirit, and remember that you’re the most important person in your life.

3. Don’t Expect Empathy or Reciprocity

When you’re deep into a relationship with a narcissist, whether they’re a family member or a romantic partner, it’s like being on a one-way street where emotional traffic never comes your way. 

If you’re expecting empathy or reciprocity from a narcissist, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Why? Because narcissistic people are often preoccupied with their feelings and needs and frequently achieve these at the expense of other people.

Let’s set the scene: you’ve had a rough day, and all you need is a listening ear and some understanding.

However, when you turn to your narcissistic partner for emotional support, you might find that they’re unable to offer genuine compassion or even the slightest acknowledgment of your experience.

Instead, they might divert the conversation to their day and their challenges, or use the opportunity to seek attention for themselves. This can leave you feeling unheard and alone in your emotional needs.

Now, this doesn’t mean that narcissists can’t show positive traits or acts of kindness. But in my opinion, these acts of kindness are often transactional and driven by their own needs for admiration or validation, rather than a true sense of empathy.

They may exhibit excessive attention and charm to win over high-status people or to maintain their self-image, but this isn’t the same as genuine care.

Understanding this can be tough, especially if you’ve invested a lot of emotional energy into the relationship. However, realizing that a narcissist’s sense of empathy is limited and that any reciprocity may come with strings attached is crucial. 

It’s not about them giving you the cold shoulder intentionally; their behavior is rooted in their sense of power and the need for narcissistic supply.

What can you do? 

3.1 Protect Yourself

First, protect your fragile self-esteem. It’s easy to start believing that you’re not worthy of empathy if you’re not receiving it from someone close to you.

Their inability to reciprocate is about their limitations and not your worth.

3.2 Expectations

Second, don’t let this expectation of empathy keep you in toxic relationships. The best way to cope is to seek emotional support from others who are capable of offering it. 

Surround yourself with friends, family members, or a support group that understands what you’re going through. They can offer the emotional reactions and connections that the narcissistic partner in your life cannot.

3.3 Gain Knowledge

Lastly, it’s a good idea to learn about narcissistic tendencies from reliable sources like books or talks by mental health professionals. Knowledge is power, and the more you understand the condition, the better equipped you’ll be to manage your expectations and take care of your emotional well-being.

When dealing with a narcissist, don’t expect empathy or reciprocity. Instead, focus on building a support system that fulfills your emotional needs and helps you maintain a healthy sense of self-worth.

You deserve truly reciprocal relationships where your feelings are seen and valued.

4. Don’t Confront Them Directly About Their Narcissistic Traits

You might think that the best defense against the manipulative behavior of a narcissistic partner is to call them out, to hold up a mirror, and to show them the reality of their actions.

But tread carefully; confrontation about their narcissistic tendencies can be like walking into a minefield.

When you’re dealing with a narcissist, whether it’s a family member or a romantic partner, it’s essential to consider the potential fallout of such a confrontation.

4.1 Why avoid confrontation? 

Narcissists often have a fragile sense of self, hidden beneath a veneer of confidence. When faced with a direct accusation or criticism, even if it’s well-intentioned or constructive, they may respond with what experts like Dr. Craig Malkin and clinical psychologist Al Bernstein describe as a narcissistic injury. 

This is not just a bruise to their ego; it’s a profound sense of threat to their self-image that can trigger narcissistic rage. This rage isn’t just anger; it’s a retaliatory strike against the perceived attack on their identity.

This doesn’t mean you should endure abusive behavior or manipulation tactics silently. Instead of confronting them about being a narcissist, focus on specific behaviors and how they affect you. 

For instance, instead of saying, “You’re so narcissistic when you ignore my feelings,” try, “When my feelings aren’t acknowledged, it makes me feel unvalued.” This way, you’re addressing the issue without labeling them, which they could use as ammunition to turn the tables on you.

The narcissistic partner in your life is likely to be very sensitive to any form of criticism, no matter how slight. They may give you the cold shoulder or shut down the conversation entirely. 

In worst-case scenarios, they may lash out or engage in emotional abuse to reassert their dominance.

That’s why it’s often a good idea to have these discussions in the presence of a neutral third party, like a licensed clinical psychologist, who can provide support and guidance.

Building a support system outside of your relationship with the narcissist is also important. This network can offer you perspective and emotional support when you’re feeling the brunt of the narcissist’s behavior. 

Having others validate your experiences can help you maintain your sense of self and bolster your self-esteem during tough times.

4.2 Strategic Approach

Navigating life with a narcissistic partner requires a strategic approach. It’s about picking your battles and understanding the most effective ways to communicate your needs without igniting a conflict. 

In my naivety at the time, I did call my ex-husband out on his narcissistic behavior, and his behavior became so much worse.  His narcissistic rage became more evident, and his other narcissistic tendencies became more devious.  It was a very bad idea on my part, and I would not recommend it.

The goal is not to change the narcissist—that’s a long shot and, quite frankly, not your job. 

Your primary aim is to manage the relationship in a way that preserves your well-being and allows you to lead a fulfilling life while reassessing the relationship.

5. Don’t Accept Abusive Behavior

When you’re in a relationship with someone who displays narcissistic traits, it’s like walking a tightrope.

Balancing your needs and their demands can be exhausting, especially when the line between acceptable and abusive behavior starts to blur. 

It’s vital to recognize that no matter how much you care for a family member or romantic partner, accepting abusive behavior should never be an option.

5.1 Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is not always as evident as physical abuse, but it is just as damaging and is often more insidious.

It can come in the form of:

• belittling comments
• constant criticism
• manipulation tactics designed to control or demean you

5.2 Isolation

Narcissists may try to isolate you from your support system, making you feel that you have no one else but them. This is a classic sign of abuse, and recognizing it is the first step in saying ‘no more’.

5.3 Toxic Hope

If you find yourself justifying their actions because they’re ‘not always bad’ or because they have moments where they shower you with affection, pause and reflect. 

These moments can be part of the cycle of abuse, where the temporary good times are used to overshadow the bad.

Narcissistic people may also use gaslighting—making you doubt your own perceptions and sanity—as a way to keep you under their control.

Having a close relationship with someone does not give them the right to take advantage of you. You have your own needs and feelings that are just as important. And while the narcissist may try to convince you otherwise, the most important thing is your well-being. 

Setting clear boundaries is not just a good idea; it’s essential. 

These boundaries tell the narcissist that their abusive behavior will not be tolerated.

Don’t be afraid to seek help. Talk to a licensed clinical psychologist, join a support group, or confide in trusted friends or family members.

These resources can become your support system, offering you the emotional support and strength you need to deal with the situation.

Take advantage of the wealth of knowledge available from mental health professionals and experts like those from Harvard Medical School or the writings of Dr. Craig Malkin. 

Educating yourself about narcissistic abuse can empower you to make informed decisions and help you recognize when professional help is needed.

Stand firm in your decision not to accept abusive behavior.

Narcissists may try to downplay your feelings or even retaliate when you enforce your boundaries, but remember, this is about protecting your mental health and reclaiming your power. 

Firm boundaries are not a suggestion; they are a declaration of your dignity and self-respect.

6. Don’t Let Them Isolate You

When you’re involved with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, they might try to become the only person in your world, the only one who can ‘understand’ you or ‘truly care’ for you.

But this isn’t about love; it’s about control.

6.1 Isolation

A narcissistic partner or family member may start by subtly criticizing your closest friends or your best friend, insinuating that they’re not good for you, or they might monopolize your time so that you can’t maintain other healthy relationships. 

They may even cast themselves as the most important person in your life, suggesting that your sense of self should revolve around them. This is a red flag—a sign of emotional manipulation.

When you notice that you’re seeing less and less of your support system, it’s time to take action. Your friends, family, and support groups are essential to maintaining your sense of self and self-esteem. 

They provide a perspective outside of the narcissistic relationship, offering emotional support and validation of your feelings and experiences.

Maintaining a social circle isn’t just a good idea; it’s a lifeline. These connections remind you that your own needs are important and that there are people who value you for who you are, not just for what you can give. 

Narcissistic people thrive on the imbalance of power, and by isolating you, they aim to tip the scales in their favor.

6.2 Silent Treatment

When dealing with a narcissist in your life who is giving you the cold shoulder or reacting negatively when you spend time with others, it’s a common sign of their discomfort with you having independent relationships. 

They may engage in silent treatment or manipulation tactics to ‘punish’ you for your independence.

Don’t be deterred. It’s vital to have a support system—a group of people who can offer you the best way to cope with the challenges you’re facing in dealing with a narcissist.

Your relationships with others are a reflection of your true self, and by nurturing these connections, you protect your mental health and ensure that your life is full, balanced, and happy.

7. Don’t Buy Into Their Grandiose Self-Image

Have you ever felt overshadowed by the larger-than-life persona of a narcissistic family member or partner? 

They often paint a picture of themselves as flawless and worthy of constant admiration. It’s essential, though, not to get swept up in the grandiosity of their self-image.

Narcissists are experts at self-promotion. They may surround themselves with high-status people and boast about their connections, achievements, and talents. 

Their stories are peppered with tales of their unmatched skills and successes. This is often an inflated sense of self-importance, a facade meant to mask their deep-seated insecurities and fragile egos.

When dealing with a narcissist, it’s easy to start believing in the myth they’ve created about themselves, especially when they repeat it so convincingly and often. 

But buying into their grandiose self-image only serves to feed their ego and their need for narcissistic supply—the attention and admiration that fuel their self-esteem.

When you interact with a narcissist, focus on facts rather than stories. It’s one thing to acknowledge their achievements; it’s another to become an audience for their constant self-promotion.

By doing so, you protect your sense of reality and avoid being manipulated into serving their ego.

Beware of how this grandiosity can affect your romantic relationships. A narcissistic partner may expect you to reflect their self-image, to praise them unconditionally, and to put their needs first—always.

This is not the foundation of a healthy relationship, where mutual respect and understanding should be at the core.

You might notice that they become particularly enraged or sensitive to the slightest criticism, a common sign of a narcissist’s fragile self-esteem.

This is not your burden to bear. Your role is not to prop up their self-image but to maintain a sense of self that is independent and strong.

It’s a good idea to build and rely on your support system during these times. Friends, family, and mental health professionals can provide you with the emotional support and validation you need when the narcissist’s behavior becomes overwhelming.

8. Don’t Forget to Protect Your Interests

When you’re wrapped up dealing with a narcissist, it’s like being caught in a whirlwind where everything revolves around their needs and desires.

8.1 Your Interests

In this chaos, it’s all too easy to let your own interests and well-being fall by the wayside. 

But here’s the thing: your needs, your dreams, and your security matter just as much. It’s not just a good idea to protect your interests; it’s essential.

Whether you’re dealing with a narcissist as a partner, friend, or family member, remember that they may try to take advantage of your generosity and kindness. 

They might not think twice about pushing you to the side to get what they want.

This is why setting clear boundaries is the most important thing you can do. It sends a message that you respect yourself enough to protect your interests and that you won’t tolerate being treated as less than you deserve.

8.2 Financial Boundaries

Look out for your financial security as well. A narcissist may see your resources as an extension of their own, and without firm boundaries, you could find yourself in financial trouble.

Be cautious with how much access you give them to your finances or how much you spend to appease them. Sometimes, they might not even ask—they’ll just assume it’s theirs for the taking.

This is where clear communication and steadfast rules become your best defense.

8.3 Personal Goals

And what about your career or personal goals? Narcissists often want to be the center of attention, and they might see your ambitions as a threat to their spotlight. They could attempt to sabotage your job interviews or professional relationships, or they might dismiss your achievements as insignificant. 

Don’t let them. Your aspirations are valid, and you have every right to pursue them with vigor.

If you’re finding it hard to maintain your ground or if you’re unsure how to proceed, consider seeking advice from a licensed clinical psychologist. They can offer professional help and guide you in developing strategies to protect your mental and emotional health. 

In some cases, when dealing with a narcissist, especially when legal issues are involved, consulting with a legal professional can be crucial.

9. Don’t Expect Change Overnight

When you’re dealing with a narcissist, whether it’s a romantic partner or a family member, you might hold onto hope for change. It’s a natural and commendable desire to see the best in people and to hope for improvement. 

9.1 Realistic Expectations

It’s important to temper these expectations with a dose of reality, especially when dealing with a narcissist. Change, if it happens, often takes a long time and may never be in the way you hope for.

Narcissistic traits are deeply ingrained. They are not just a collection of habits; they’re a mental health condition, often deeply rooted in a person’s psyche. This means that even the best intentions or efforts may not lead to significant changes in their behavior. 

Recognizing this isn’t about giving up hope but about setting realistic expectations for yourself and the relationship.

9.2 Professional Help

If your partner or family member has acknowledged their narcissistic tendencies and is genuinely trying to change, that’s a positive step. This is a journey that requires consistent effort and, often, professional help. 

Encourage them to seek guidance from mental health professionals, but also keep in mind that their progress is not your responsibility.

In the meantime, focus on what you can control—your reactions, your boundaries, and your well-being. Whether you’re establishing firm boundaries, seeking emotional support from friends, family, or a support group, or educating yourself about narcissistic personality disorder, these steps are crucial for your own mental health.

Be wary of the trap of conditional happiness—the belief that you’ll only be happy if the narcissist changes. This mindset can leave you feeling stuck and hopeless.

Instead, find ways to cultivate happiness and fulfillment in your life, independent of the narcissist’s behavior. This might mean pursuing hobbies, building connections with others, or working on your personal growth.

While it’s human to hope for change, don’t hinge your happiness on the transformation of narcissistic people. Focus on what you can change—your perspectives, your environment, and your own life.

10. Don’t Go At It Alone

Navigating narcissistic relationships, whether they’re with a family member, best friend, or romantic partner, can be a daunting and often overwhelming journey.

It’s a path fraught with emotional twists and turns, and it’s one you shouldn’t have to walk alone. 

The support and perspective of others can be a lifeline, offering you strength and validation when you need it most.

Recognize the value of a solid support system. This could be close friends who’ve known you for a long time, family members who genuinely care for your well-being or even a support group where you can share experiences with others in similar situations. 

These people can offer you a different perspective, one that’s removed from the manipulative tactics and the emotional roller coaster that often accompanies narcissistic relationships.

A key part of not going at it alone is seeking professional help. Engaging with a licensed clinical psychologist or other mental health professionals isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a proactive step towards understanding and dealing with the narcissistic behavior you’re encountering. 

These experts can provide you with tools and strategies to protect your mental health, help you set and maintain boundaries, and guide you in managing your emotional reactions.

Dealing with a narcissist can sometimes make you doubt your feelings and experiences. This is where your support system becomes invaluable. They can help you maintain your sense of reality, reminding you that what you’re experiencing is valid and that you’re not overreacting. 

They can also help bolster your self-esteem, which can be worn down in a relationship with a narcissistic person.

It’s also worth exploring resources like books, articles, and seminars about narcissism. Knowledge is power, and understanding the psychological terms and behaviors associated with narcissism can empower you.

This knowledge can also make it easier to explain your situation to others, which is often a challenge when they haven’t experienced a similar relationship dynamic.

Don’t underestimate the power of sharing your story, either. Sometimes, just voicing your experiences can be incredibly therapeutic and can help others in similar situations feel less alone.

Whether it’s through social media, blog posts, or a support group, sharing can be a powerful tool for healing and connection.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What are the most common red flags of a narcissistic individual?

You might notice that they have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, require excessive attention, and show a lack of empathy for others. Be cautious if they quickly engage in love bombing or show manipulation tactics early in the relationship.

2. How can I protect my own needs when dealing with a narcissist?

Prioritize self-care and maintain healthy relationships outside of your interactions with the narcissist. Set clear boundaries for yourself, and don’t be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or a licensed clinical psychologist.

3. Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a narcissist?

While challenging, it’s not impossible. It requires setting firm boundaries, not tolerating abusive behavior, and maintaining a strong support system. However, remember that a significant change in a narcissist’s behavior is rare and often requires professional intervention.

4. How should I respond if a narcissist tries to isolate me from my support system?

Stand firm in maintaining your social connections. Engage regularly with friends and family, and don’t let the narcissist’s opinions dictate your social life. Remember, a support system is vital for your emotional well-being.

5. What should I do if I feel overwhelmed in a relationship with a narcissist?

Don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist, especially one experienced in dealing with narcissistic behavior, can offer guidance and strategies to cope. Remember, taking care of your mental health is the most important thing.

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When dealing with a narcissist, remember this: you’re not alone, and you’re stronger than you think. 

Whether you’re facing the challenges of a narcissistic parent, partner, or another family member, the journey is undoubtedly tough. But with the right approach and mindset, it’s one that you can navigate successfully.

You’ve learned the importance of not ignoring the red flags that narcissists often display and the necessity of not neglecting your own needs in the face of their demanding nature.

Your feelings, needs, and mental health are paramount. No matter how difficult the situation may seem, there’s always hope and a way to find balance and peace, even if it requires you to reevaluate the relationship.