How to Deal with a Lack of Empathy in Relationships

Empathy is one of the most basic elements of human interaction, and it can be difficult for people to establish or maintain emotional bonds without it. So what happens when there is a lack of empathy in relationships?

Empathy is the invisible glue that binds partners together, providing a foundation for trust, communication, and emotional intimacy.

A lack of empathy in relationships can manifest in a myriad of ways, causing emotional disconnects, fostering resentment, and eventually corroding the foundation of the relationship itself. 

While the causes of a lack of empathy can range from psychological and emotional factors to societal conditioning, the impact on a relationship is almost universally damaging. 

If you find yourself navigating the complex emotional terrain of a relationship lacking empathy, you’re not alone, and there are strategies to cope.

Brené Brown said, “Empathy is a strange and powerful thing. There is no script. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “You’re not alone”.

the Signs of a lack of Empathy in Relationships

Before seeking solutions, it’s essential to identify the signs of a lack of empathy in relationships. You might notice that your partner does the following:

• Dismisses or minimizes your feelings.
• Has difficulty understanding or relating to your emotions.
• Offers solutions rather than emotional support.
• Avoids emotional conversations.
• Not open to the idea that someone feels differently than they do.
• Is highly critical of you.
• Struggles to have close friendships.
• Dominates discussions without considering your perspective.

Understanding Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It involves being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see the world from their perspective.

Empathy is a complex skill that involves both cognitive and emotional components. Some people are naturally more empathetic than others, but empathy skills can be learned and developed over time.

Cognitive Empathy

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand and intellectualize someone else’s feelings without necessarily experiencing them yourself.

It involves being able to consider other perspectives and understand how someone might be feeling based on their situation.

People with high levels of cognitive empathy are often good at problem-solving and can see things from multiple angles.

Emotional Empathy

Emotional empathy is the ability to feel and experience the emotions and feelings of another person. It involves being able to pick up on someone else’s emotional state and experience a similar emotional response.

The emotions of those around empaths can have a profound impact on them because they are frequently highly sensitive to other people’s emotions.

Compassionate Empathy

Compassionate empathy is the ability to not only understand and feel the emotions of others but to also take action to help them. It goes beyond just feeling empathy and involves actively trying to alleviate someone else’s suffering. 

People with high levels of compassionate empathy are often very caring and nurturing.

Empathy is an important skill that can help you connect with others on a deeper emotional level.

By practicing empathy and actively trying to understand and share the feelings of others, you can become a more empathetic person and build stronger, more meaningful relationships with those around you.

Causes of Lack of Empathy

“There are a lot of reasons why someone might lack empathy or not know how to tap into it, and not all those reasons are as selfish as we might think,” says Moraya Seegere DeGeare, a licensed marriage and family therapist and In-House Expert at Paired.  The exact causes of a lack of empathy can vary depending on a variety of factors.

Understanding why a lack of empathy exists can be the first step toward resolving the issue of a lack of empathy in relationships.

Here are some potential causes for a lack of empathy:

Psychological Factors

1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder: People with narcissistic behaviors often lack empathy and may be more focused on their own needs.
2. Sociopathy/Psychopathy: People with antisocial personality disorders may lack empathy, but it is often more serious than narcissism.
3. Autism Spectrum Disorder: Though there is no lack of caring, some people with autism have difficulty understanding social cues and expressing empathy in traditional ways.
4. Attachment Disorders: Early life experiences can lead to issues with empathy later on. A lack of secure attachment can result in emotional detachment.

Emotional Factors

1. Emotional Burnout: Sometimes people are emotionally drained due to personal issues or even from managing a relationship itself, causing them to exhibit less empathy.
2. Fear of Vulnerability: Some people avoid empathetic interactions because they fear becoming emotionally vulnerable themselves.
3. Unresolved Emotional Issues: Early childhood traumas or unexpressed emotions can sometimes inhibit empathy.

Cultural and Societal Factors

1. Cultural Differences: Different cultures have different ways of expressing and interpreting empathy. What might seem like a lack of empathy might be a cultural misunderstanding.
2. Social Norms and Conditioning: People from different backgrounds are raised in environments where emotional expression is discouraged.

Cognitive Factors

1. Lack of Awareness: Some people are not even aware that they lack empathy. They may have never been taught the skills to understand another person’s emotions and have a lack of emotional intelligence.
2. Intellectual Barriers: In some cases, cognitive limitations can impede the understanding of complex emotional states.

Situational Factors

1. Stress: High levels of stress can limit one’s emotional bandwidth, affecting their ability to empathize.
2. Distraction: Sometimes life’s demands can make it hard to focus on the emotional needs of others.

Relational Factors

1. Power Dynamics: Sometimes, in hierarchical relationships (e.g., employer-employee), the person in power may feel less need to empathize with the other.
2. Familiarity: Sometimes, familiarity can lead to a lack of empathy as people assume they already know what the other person feels or needs, without checking in.

Effects of a Lack of Empathy on Relationships

A lack of empathy in relationships can act as a corrosive element, eroding trust, emotional intimacy, and mutual respect.

When one partner consistently fails to understand or share the feelings of the other, it creates a relationship imbalance that can manifest in various detrimental ways.

Empathy is one of the most basic elements of human interaction, and it can be difficult for people to establish or maintain an emotional connection without it.

If your partner is blind to your emotions, it can have a major impact on your mental health and well-being, making it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship.

If your partner lacks a certain level of empathy, you may feel emotionally neglected, misunderstood, or even isolated, as if your experiences and emotions are invalid or unimportant.

Over time, this dynamic can lead to resentment, distance, and a breakdown in communication.

With a lack of empathy in relationships, emotional needs go unmet, important conversations are avoided, and the relationship can become characterized by frustration and loneliness.

This emotional disconnect not only impedes the growth of a meaningful emotional bond but can also create a toxic environment where negativity thrives.

13 Ways To Cope With A Partner Who Lacks Empathy

Coping with a partner who lacks empathy can be emotionally draining, but there are strategies for you to manage this challenging situation.

Here are thirteen ways to cope:

1. Communicate Clearly and Directly

One of the first steps in dealing with a lack of empathy is clear and direct communication. Instead of assuming your partner understands how you feel, explicitly state your feelings, needs, and expectations.

Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory; for example, say “I feel hurt when you dismiss my concerns” rather than “You always ignore me.”

Honest, clear communication can sometimes enlighten a partner who may not be aware of their lack of empathy.

2. Seek Professional Help

If communication doesn’t improve the situation or if the lack of empathy is a symptom of a deeper issue, such as a personality disorder, professional guidance from a psychologist or a relationship counselor can be invaluable.

Therapists can offer coping strategies tailored to your specific circumstances, and couples therapy can help both partners understand the importance of empathy in a relationship.

3. Establish Emotional Boundaries

It’s important to protect yourself emotionally if your partner consistently shows a lack of empathy. Setting clear emotional boundaries helps you define what behavior you find acceptable and what you don’t.

Make sure to enforce these boundaries and communicate them clearly to your partner. This helps prevent emotional exhaustion and maintain your own mental well-being.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Being in a relationship where you’re not emotionally supported can be isolating. Practicing self-compassion can help mitigate feelings of inadequacy or loneliness.

This can mean anything from taking time to engage in activities that bring joy and relaxation to seeking emotional support from trusted friends and family to even engaging in self-affirming practices that remind you of your worth.

5. Develop a Support Network

Don’t rely solely on a partner who has little empathy for emotional support. Instead, broaden your support network to include close friends, family members, or even online communities that share your own feelings and experiences.

Emotional support and validation from other sources can help you cope more effectively and reduce feelings of isolation.

6. Evaluate the Relationship

If all else fails, it may be necessary to reassess the relationship as a whole.

A continuous lack of empathy from your partner is a serious issue that can jeopardize the relationship’s longevity and your well-being.

You’ll need to decide whether the relationship is worth continuing, given this significant emotional hurdle. Sometimes, the healthiest choice for both parties is to part ways and seek more fulfilling relationships elsewhere.

7. Don’t Take Things Personally

When a partner lacks empathy, it’s easy to internalize this as a reflection of your own worth or as a personal failure.

However, a lack of empathy is often more indicative of your partner’s emotional limitations than shortcomings on your part. 

Recognize that their inability to understand or share your feelings is their issue, and while it affects you, it isn’t about you. Detaching their lack of emotional responsiveness from your self-esteem can be liberating. 

This mental shift allows you to see the situation more objectively, making it easier to address the issue or cope with it. By not taking things personally, you protect your own emotional well-being and are better able to seek constructive solutions.

8. Cultivate Empathy Skills Together

Sometimes people are willing to learn but don’t know how to be empathetic. In such cases, engaging in activities designed to boost empathy can be beneficial.

This could be reading relevant books, attending workshops, or even watching documentaries that make one think deeply about the feelings and experiences of others. 

Engaging in these activities together can serve as an eye-opener for the less empathetic partner.

9. Pick Your Battles Wisely

When you’re constantly faced with a lack of empathy, it’s tempting to turn every instance into a discussion or argument. However, constantly pointing out this flaw can lead to further emotional distancing. 

Learn to pick your battles wisely; focus on incidents or issues that are crucial to your emotional well-being or the health of the relationship rather than addressing every small lapse.

10. Be Patient and Consistent

Change doesn’t happen overnight, especially with ingrained emotional habits like a lack of empathy in relationships.

If your partner is making an effort to improve, remember to acknowledge their progress, no matter how small.

Consistency in your own behavior and expectations can set a clear standard, which can be helpful for someone who is trying to develop more empathetic behaviors.

11. Use Empathetic Language Yourself

Sometimes modeling the behavior you want to see can have an impact. When discussing issues or even everyday matters, employ empathetic language.

Make sure to actively listen, validate, and reciprocate emotionally when you converse with your partner. 

This could encourage them to mirror your behavior, helping them understand the benefits of empathetic communication and the use of a calm tone of voice.

12. Assess Your Own Needs

Take the time to evaluate what you need emotionally from a relationship. Is empathy a non-negotiable for you, or is it something you can compromise on if other aspects of the relationship are fulfilling? 

This self-assessment will guide you in deciding whether to stay and work on the relationship or to consider other options for your emotional well-being.

13. Consider Temporal Factors

If the lack of empathy is a recent development, consider what external factors could be affecting your partner.

Stress, major life changes, or mental health struggles can temporarily affect one’s ability to empathize. While this doesn’t excuse the behavior, understanding its context can help you find the best approach to address it.

Each relationship is unique, so some suggestions may be more applicable than others, depending on your situation. 

Developing Empathy

To develop empathy, it’s essential to try to put yourself in another person’s shoes and see things from their point of view.

Understanding different perspectives can help you develop a deeper understanding of others and improve your ability to connect with them emotionally. 

Dr. Bhonsle elaborates, “Doing the hard work will pay off. You can teach empathy to an individual. The surface-level practices are listening better, thinking before responding, being more tolerant of new ideas and ways, etc. On a deeper level, and it takes a little time, the individual’s mindset is worked upon by resolving issues of the past.” 

You can practice this by trying to see things from different angles and considering how others might feel in a given situation.

Ways to develop empathy:

1. Open Communication: Start a conversation about your feelings. Use “I” statements like, “I feel hurt when my feelings are dismissed.” This approach avoids placing blame and opens the door to understanding.
2. Seek Counseling: Consider couples counseling. A therapist can provide tools and strategies to improve empathy in your relationship.
3. Educate Your Partner: Share books, workshops, and online resources about building empathy. Sometimes, understanding the concept can lead to personal growth.
4. Encourage Active Listening: Ask your partner to practice active listening, where they fully concentrate, understand, and respond to what you’re saying.
5. Empathy Exercises: Engage in exercises designed to boost empathy. For instance, share three things you’re grateful for every day or discuss a time when you felt a particular emotion and why.
6. Self-awareness and Reflection: Encourage your partner to reflect on their behavior and interactions. Recognizing moments when empathy is lacking can be a stepping stone to improvement.
7. Empathy Journaling: Suggest keeping a journal where both of you write about feelings and experiences. Reading each other’s entries (with permission) can foster understanding.
8. Role Reversal: Occasionally switch roles in discussions. Ask your partner to rephrase and repeat what you said to ensure they understand.
9. Engage in Empathetic Activities: Recommend activities like reading novels or watching movies that delve into human emotions. Discussing characters’ feelings can be a safe way to practice understanding emotions.
10. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: Mindfulness can enhance one’s ability to be present and attentive. Encourage your partner to try it.
11. Attend Empathy Workshops: Workshops designed to enhance empathy can be beneficial. Consider attending together.
12. Set Empathy Goals: Set specific goals around practicing empathy and review them regularly.
13. Feedback Loop: After emotional discussions, discuss what went well and what could have been handled more empathetically.
14. Avoid Blame: Instead of blaming your partner for their lack of empathy, approach the situation with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to better understand their perspective.
15. Practice Patience: Developing empathy is a journey. Celebrate small victories and understand that setbacks are part of the process.

A lack of empathy can have negative consequences for both individuals and society as a whole. However, there is good news. Empathy is not a fixed trait, and it can be cultivated and developed with a willingness to practice.

Navigating a lack of empathy in relationships is undeniably challenging, but it’s crucial to remember that you’re not powerless in this situation.

While empathy is a vital component of a healthy relationship, there are concrete steps you can take to manage this lack of empathy and protect your emotional well-being.

Whether it’s through open communication, setting boundaries, or seeking professional advice, numerous strategies exist to mitigate the strain of a partner who has a lack of empathy for others.

It’s equally important to remember that a partner’s lack of empathy often says more about their limitations than about your worth.

Therefore, cultivating self-compassion and a strong support network is key to sustaining your emotional health.

However, it’s also imperative to continually assess the relationship and your own needs. 

• Are the coping strategies leading to genuine improvement?
• Is the relationship still fulfilling on other levels?

Sometimes, the most courageous act is to recognize when a relationship is no longer sustainable and take steps to move on.

Whether you choose to work on the relationship or seek fulfillment elsewhere, the ultimate goal should be your emotional and psychological well-being.

While every relationship has its unique challenges, the absence of empathy is a hurdle that requires deliberate, thoughtful action to overcome. 

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What are some signs of a lack of empathy in a person?

People who lack empathy may show signs such as being critical and judgmental, having difficulty understanding other people’s perspectives, and being indifferent to other people’s feelings and emotions. They may also have a hard time expressing their own emotions and come across as cold or distant.

2. How does a lack of empathy affect relationships?

A lack of empathy in relationships can have a significant impact. It can cause misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and conflicts. People who lack empathy may find interpersonal relationships difficult, have a hard time connecting with others, and struggle to maintain close relationships. They may also have a tendency to be self-centered and not be able to provide emotional support or consider the feelings of others.

3. What causes a lack of empathy in individuals?

There can be many causes for a lack of empathy. Empathy is thought to be primarily learned through our parents or primary caregivers. If our parents were not empathetic, we might struggle to learn empathy skills and understand empathy ourselves. Other factors that can contribute to a lack of empathy include trauma, abuse, and certain mental health conditions.

4. Can someone lack empathy but not be a narcissist?

Yes, it is possible for someone to lack empathy without being a narcissist. While narcissism is one condition that can cause a lack of empathy, there are other factors that can contribute to this trait as well. Some people may simply have a more reserved or introverted personality, which can make it harder for them to connect with others emotionally.

5. What is the term used to describe a lack of empathy?

The term used to describe a lack of empathy is “empathy deficit disorder.” However, it’s crucial to remember that the American Psychiatric Association does not recognize this as an official diagnosis. Instead, lack of empathy is typically viewed as a symptom of other conditions, such as personality disorders or certain mental health conditions.