How to Deal with Control Issues in your Relationship
In romantic relationships, control issues are those little habits that drive you nuts, but you’re not sure how to deal with them. But they’re also the red flags that appear in your toxic relationship and signal that something isn’t quite right.
When there are trust issues present in the relationship, it can be hard to tell whether another person is intentionally trying to control you or if they just have different ideas about life.
Control issues in a relationship signal underlying fears, past experiences, or incompatibilities between partners. These issues are like indicators that something needs fixing — and thankfully in normal relationships where communication is possible, there are ways to cope with them so that your relationship doesn’t implode as a result of these control issues.
However, in a toxic relationship, your partner will be a control freak attempting to control every aspect of your life. Partners with a narcissistic personality disorder have a sense of entitlement and they will control their partners as part of the abusive relationship.
What is a control issue?
A control issue is when one person in a relationship is constantly trying to control the other, and their insistence on controlling every aspect of the relationship causes their partner to feel trapped.
Control is a hot topic in relationships. When someone says, “You never let me do anything at home,” or “You always tell me what to do,” it can be a frustrating experience.
The partner with the control issue might try to dictate how you spend your free time, who you spend it with, what you wear, what you eat, what websites you visit online, what you do with your money, and so on. The partner with the control issue might also try to control how you communicate with them. They might want to speak for longer amounts of time, have you check in with them constantly, or try to micromanage your time and attention.
This is overbearing for the partner on the receiving end and the relationship begins to crumble.
There are two types of control in relationships:
- External Control
- Internal Control
External control is when one person dominates another physically or emotionally; for example when one person keeps the other in an abusive relationship or holds all the power in a relationship.
External control can feel like a threat to a relationship because it means one person doesn’t trust that the other person can make good decisions on their own. It can also feel like a threat because it creates unequal power dynamics and puts one person in a position of weakness while putting the other in a position of strength. This kind of control has the potential to come from many places, like physical violence, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and more.
Internal control is when one person tries to dominate another psychologically by making decisions, setting rules, or not trusting the other person. Internal control may include ignoring someone’s feelings or controlling their behavior by threatening to leave or throw out something if they don’t do as they’re told.
If you are living in an environment where you are being controlled by another person and there is no way for you to gain your freedom, and your partner is not prepared to communicate about the controlling behavior then you might consider leaving as soon as possible. But please have a safety plan in place.
What are some signs of a control issue?
1. Controlling how you spend your time and with whom.
This can include monitoring your social media, demanding that you check in with them often, or showing signs of jealousy about who you’re hanging out with.
When you are on the receiving end of this type of control you will feel trapped in your relationship. You could become fearful of spending time with friends and family as your intimate partner will give you a hard time and may give you the silent treatment when you get home.
You will eventually ignore your own need of socializing with close friends and family and over time you will become isolated.
When you’re isolated from friends and family you end up being in a position where you are more dependent on your controlling partner and their controlling ways. The isolation will leave you feeling lonely, overwhelmed, and exhausted and life will have this heavy feeling.
2. Making you feel guilty for spending time on your own.
This might include saying things like “You don’t have any friends,” “You’re too introverted to make new friends now,” or “You don’t deserve to be happy.”
A controlling individual will like to control and consume your time in unhealthy ways. Not being allowed to have alone time without some drama will result in you feeling claustrophobic and trapped.
Not having much time alone can also be very limiting for you as a person as you don’t get the opportunity to spend time on yourself and your personal growth.
3. Controlling what you wear.
This could include making you change out of something you like, telling you that you’re too old or too young to wear something you like, or saying that you’re not feminine/masculine enough to wear something you like.
This leads to low self-esteem as you are constantly being criticized for your appearance. If this happens on a regular basis you will end up being indecisive when it comes to your dress sense and you will purchase clothes based on what you think your romantic partner would like instead of purchasing something that you like.
4. controlling the finances and monitoring expenditures.
This might include telling you what bills you should pay first, insisting that you can’t spend money on certain things you need, or asking you why you bought a certain item.
If not monitored financial control will over time get out of hand and your partner will gain full control of all the financial affairs, leaving you dependent.
5. Micromanaging the way you do things.
This can include insisting that you do things the “right way” even if you’re used to doing them a different way, trying to control the way you clean your space, or trying to control the way you work.
There is a fine line between making suggestions and controlling and constantly correcting the way you do things. You will lose your autonomy and develop negative feelings about yourself and feel that you are unable to do anything correctly on your own.
6. Expecting you to conform to certain ideals.
This can include trying to fit you into a certain stereotype or trying to insist that you conform to certain ideals of what relationships should be like.
Your partner will expect you to conform to their demands to be “a better person” and change yourself to align with what they consider to be an ideal partner. They will convince you that this change is in your best interest.
7. Checking your social media accounts.
Signs of a controlling relationship can extend to your controlling partner checking your social media accounts and your phone.
This leads to you becoming more isolated as you feel that you are constantly being watched and judged. You will be afraid to make a phone call or comment on social media in case your controlling partner makes a judgment and becomes angry.
8. Won’t allow you to make decisions without them
Signs of a controlling partner can extend to them not allowing you to make a decision without them. This will have a negative effect on your mental health and will lead to you becoming more isolated and insecure.
This is something that develops over time and so you often will not notice that you are in a position where you are unable or cannot make decisions on your own.
9. limiting your hobbies
The narcissist isolates you from your hobbies and the things that feed your soul. They will find reasons for you to not waste time doing the things that you love.
They do this because they want you to focus on them and their needs rather than spending time on what you would like to do. This leads to feelings of isolation, boredom, and withdrawal.
How to respond to someone who has control issues.
The first thing you should do if you notice control issues cropping up in your relationship is to start observing your own behavior as well as your partner’s.
If you notice you have control issues, you need to work on yourself first. This may sound selfish, but if you don’t deal with your own control issues, they’ll continue to negatively affect your relationship.
If you suspect your partner has control issues, you should approach the topic with care. Trying to confront them head-on and accusing them of having control issues is likely to make them defensive.
Instead, use gentle conversation starters whenever you notice issues with control. For example, you could say, “I noticed you’ve been asking me to check in with you a lot. Has something been going on?”
You could also write down any concerns or questions you have and put them in a letter. This gives you an opportunity to express yourself without coming on too strongly.
Why is controlling behavior destructive to a relationship
The main reason controlling behavior is dangerous is that it inhibits your ability to grow and be your best self.
You both deserve to be free. You both deserve to be able to make your own choices, and you both deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you are — imperfections and all.
You deserve a healthy relationship and a partner who will cherish you for who you are and encourage you to be your best self.
If your partner has control issues, they’re likely to be so wrapped up in their own insecurities that they won’t be able to appreciate you for who you are.
They may love you, but they won’t be able to show it because they’re too busy trying to control you.
A controlling personality tends to need to rule the lives of others and their sense of reality is off-center. Controlling behavior is considered to be abusive behavior.
When is controlling behavior Considered abusive?
Controlling behavior isn’t necessarily abusive, but it can lead to abuse if left unchecked.
If your partner has control issues, they may escalate over a period of time. They might start out controlling you in minor ways, but they’ll eventually take it too far and start crossing the line into abuse.
The subtle signs that controlling behavior is leading to abuse include extreme jealousy, frequent put-downs, isolation, and denial of your basic rights. If your partner frequently accuses you of flirting with other people or insists you stay away from certain friends or family members, that’s a red flag.
If they frequently call you names and put you down, constantly accuse you of cheating, and try to micromanage your every move, they’re likely abusive.
If they constantly try to isolate you from other people, especially family members and friends, they may be abusive. If they deny you basic rights, like the right to spend time with your friends or the right to privacy, this is considered to be abusive.
Andrea Bonlor Ph.D. a relationship expert says “some controlling partners are acting out of a sense of emotional fragility and heightened vulnerability, and may perhaps show traits of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Controlling people use a whole arsenal of tools in order to dominate their partners—whether they or their partners realize what’s happening or not.”
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is when a person experiences a severe sensitivity to criticism and rejection.
She adds that at times the emotional manipulation is so complex that the person being controlled feels that they are actually in the wrong. This is further aggravated by the fact that controlling behavior can lead to physical abuse.
Partners who do this have personality disorders and it may be a good idea to contact the national domestic violence hotline for advice. If you have good reason to believe that your controlling partner is abusive please exercise caution, get advice and support, and do not take your partner on directly.
Conclusion
Controlling behavior is extremely common in relationships and usually isn’t a sign that the relationship is doomed. It’s usually just a red flag that something needs to change — whether it’s a change of mindset, a change of strategy, or a change of partner.
If you notice that your partner has control issues, you should approach the topic with care. It’s important to find a way to address the issue without your partner feeling attacked. While controlling behavior isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it does have to change if you want your relationship to last.
If your relationship is toxic and your partner’s controlling issues are abusive please reach out for support.
