Signs of self-sabotaging your relationships: how to fix this

Do you ever feel like you’re self-sabotaging your relationships? Are you frustrated with yourself for not being able to have the happy relationship that you so desire?

Have you ever wondered why you keep making the same mistakes that sabotage your relationship? If so, you are probably not alone.

Self-sabotaging your relationships is basically when you unintentionally and sometimes intentionally do things that undermine your own happiness or the success of your own relationships.

It can be really frustrating because, deep down, you want the relationship to work, but your actions seem to be getting in the way.

There are a few reasons why you might be self-sabotaging your relationships. Sometimes it’s due to past experiences, insecurities, or fears of vulnerability. It’s important to understand what’s driving these behaviors in order to tackle them head-on.

Learning to recognize the signs of self-sabotaging your relationships is the first step to protecting them from this negative behavior.

According to Psychology Today “people often choose perhaps subconsciously to end a relationship by sabotaging it.” All the more reason to recognize the warning signs of self-sabotage and address them.

Signs of Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships

Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and trust with open, nonjudgmental communication. If you are unwittingly acting out from a place of jealousy, criticism, and control without considering the consequences, you will be self-sabotaging your relationships.

If you recognize any of the following signs in your relationship, don’t panic or beat yourself up. The important thing is that you now recognize and own what you are doing so that you can make a change for the better.

1. A lack of Communication.

Honest and open communication is essential for any good relationship. It may not always be easy to achieve this, as some conversations may be difficult to have. Open communication allows a relationship to develop meaningful connections and a secure attachment style.

But, if you find yourself avoiding these difficult conversations or communicating without honesty and clarity, this will sabotage your relationships.

Communicate your true feelings and don’t say yes when you mean no, as this leads to relationship problems.

Ensure that you take the time to listen to your partner and provide them with the opportunity to express themselves in a safe space.

2. Conflict.

All relationships have some sort of conflict or challenge, and that is often due to the nature of our fast-paced daily lives.

But if you and your partner are not working constructively through the conflicts and challenges you face, it will likely damage your relationship.

However, an attitude of avoiding conflict at all costs will also be detrimental, as it will ultimately build resentment within the relationship over time.

On the flip side, creating high levels of conflict without cause due to high expectations, silent treatment, and other self-destructive behaviors is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Creating high levels of conflict will have a huge impact on your relationship and is sabotaging it.

3. Blame and Criticism.

Are you frequently blaming your partner or criticizing them? This often says more about you than it does about them. 

An overly critical partner may even be considered emotionally abusive. It wears your partner down and affects their emotional well-being.

Criticism differs from complaining in that it is usually constant, about all aspects of the relationship, and does not have a positive outcome for the relationship.

When we rely on blame and criticism, it is often a sign that we are unhappy in our relationship or with ourselves, or that we have unrealistic expectations that have not been met.

4. Withholding Affection.

If you have, for some reason, stopped showing affection towards your partner, this is a form of self-sabotaging your relationship, as your partner may see it as a form of manipulation. 

Ultimately, withholding affection will create a disconnect between you and your partner, and trust issues will develop. Uneasiness and doubt will creep into the relationship.

You may have been withholding affection because you feel self-conscious or vulnerable, but this will backfire and ultimately result in bigger problems within the relationship.

Or maybe you have an anxious attachment style due to past trauma. But at the end of the day, by withholding affection, you’re self-sabotaging your relationships.

5. Controlling Behavior

Are you trying to control your partner? Do you fear that your partner will leave you? 

Your controlling behaviors and low self-esteem will result in your partner feeling claustrophobic, and you will in turn be self-sabotaging your relationships. It is important to respect your partner’s personal space and boundaries.

Don’t allow your insecurities and extreme jealousy to play a part in self-sabotaging your relationships.

6. A Lack of Trust in your Partner

Unless you have a reason, if you are constantly suspicious of your partner and are double-guessing them, you will inadvertently be self-sabotaging your relationships.

Trust is an essential part of any healthy relationship. By constantly questioning your partner’s intentions, you are creating an unhealthy relationship dynamic. 

A lack of trust and suspicion, if allowed to fester, will create big monsters in your mind that will destroy your relationship without reason.

Don’t allow past hurts from past relationships to create relationship issues with your current romantic partner.

Why would you be self-sabotaging your relationships?

There are a number of reasons why you may be self-sabotaging your relationships. 

The outward behavior that you display may differ from how you are actually feeling internally about the relationship and your partner. You may just be reacting instinctively without much thought.

It’s best to recognize the signs of self-sabotaging behavior in your relationships and then look more closely at the reasons for your reactions and behavior.

According to Cambridge University Press and Raquel Peel, the most common issues that result in people self-sabotaging their relationships are:

1. Fear: this can be fear of being hurt, commitment issues, or abandonment issues.
2. Difficulty with Self-Esteem and Negative Self-concept
3. Broken trust: this often relates to the fear of intimacy due to the emotional pain of past experiences or childhood trauma.
4. High Expectations: this may be due to perfectionist characteristics.
5. Lack of Relationship Skills: You may not be familiar with common ways of conflict resolution.

Ask yourself, “What am I really afraid of?”

It could be the fear of rejection, abandonment, or getting hurt.

Reflecting on these fears can help you understand why you’re self-sabotaging your relationship and provide some clarity on how to move forward.

It is important to understand that change is in your hands. You have acknowledged that you may be self-sabotaging your relationships, and you have identified what you may unintentionally be doing to sabotage the relationship.

Now you need to work on how you can stop the behavior that is self-sabotaging your relationships.

Ways to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships

By looking introspectively, you may discover that you should address the following areas:

1. Dropping Baggage from the past

You may be judging your partner based on a previous toxic relationship, and you should learn to let go of the past.  Negative thoughts, suspicions, and doubts do not belong in your present relationship. 

This is often difficult to achieve and will need to actively focus on changing your mindset.

Using positive affirmations that constantly remind you to trust in the future will help you change your mindset.

You will also need to find coping mechanisms that will help you deal with your defense mechanisms. This could be making a rule for yourself that you need to take time out before you react when you are feeling defensive.

2. Improve self-esteem

You may need to work on improving your self-esteem. Journaling and positive affirmations are great tools for building up your self-esteem. 

Good self-esteem provides you with a solid foundation that is essential in any relationship, as you will realize that you are enough.

3. Becoming more independent

You may be too dependent on your partner, hence the need for control. It would help if you focused on developing your own social support system with friends and family, focusing more on your career or hobbies. 

Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have to live in someone else’s pocket or shadow. Ensure that you have some independence.

4. Silence the inner critic

Silencing the inner critic and negative self-talk and focusing on the fact that you are enough will build self-confidence in yourself and your relationship. 

Reframing your mindset and focusing on the silver lining in life will help you to silence the inner critic.

This can be achieved with positive affirmations, journaling, and being mindful of your thoughts. We all like to ruminate but become more mindful of the quality of the thoughts that fill your mind.

5. Improve Communication

Make a conscious effort to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. It’s important to express your feelings and concerns in a healthy way and to listen to your partner’s perspective as well. 

Don’t allow your feelings of vulnerability that belong in the past to stop you from communicating openly and honestly. Be bold and have courage.

6. Show Appreciation

Show appreciation and gratitude towards your partner. Make an effort to regularly express your love and admiration for them, and to thank them for the little things that they do for you. 

Gratitude is a very powerful expression that helps to build positive feelings and confidence.

7. Make Time for your partner

Make time for each other. Set aside time each day or week to spend quality time together, and make sure to prioritize your relationship. 

But if something comes up, and your partner cannot make it this time, be understanding and flexible. This should not become a chore for either of you.

8. address issues constructively

Address issues and conflicts in a healthy way. Avoid yelling or arguing, and instead try to have calm, constructive discussions about any problems you may be facing. 

The relationship will be stronger if you can face your problems together.

9. offer support

Support each other’s goals and aspirations. Encourage your partner to help them achieve their goals, and be open to supporting them in their endeavors. 

This builds good teamwork and a sense of ‘we’ and ‘us’ rather than ‘you’ and ‘I’.

10. Respect boundaries

Respect each other’s boundaries and personal space.

It’s important to give each other the space and privacy you both need and to communicate openly about your boundaries.

Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining a balanced and fulfilling relationship. Without clear boundaries, you might lose sight of your own needs and desires, which can lead to feelings of resentment and self-sabotaging behavior.

Communicate openly with your partner about your limits and expectations, and make sure to respect their boundaries as well.

This mutual understanding can create a strong foundation for a healthy, supportive relationship.

11. Seek Help If Necessary

Seek help if necessary. If you are struggling to improve your behavior or overcome challenges in your relationship, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor.

They can provide guidance and support to help you strengthen your relationship and deal with your past.

12. Practice Self-care

Be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s okay to feel vulnerable or scared.

Give yourself the same compassion and understanding that you’d offer to a friend in the same situation.

Taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally is essential for maintaining healthy relationships.

When you neglect your own needs, you’re more likely to engage in self-sabotaging behavior. Make time for activities that nourish your body and mind, such as exercise, meditation, or pursuing hobbies you enjoy.

Prioritizing self-care can improve your overall well-being and increase your resilience in the face of relationship challenges.

13. Practice Self-Awareness

Pay attention to your thoughts and actions, and notice when you’re engaging in behavior that is self-sabotaging your relationships.

This self-awareness is key to making positive changes. Set small, achievable goals.

Instead of trying to change everything all at once, focus on making small, manageable adjustments to your behavior. Celebrate each success and use it as motivation to keep going.

14. Recognize Emotional Triggers

Emotional triggers are situations or events that can bring up intense feelings of vulnerability or insecurity.

By identifying and understanding these triggers, you can better manage your reactions and avoid engaging in self-sabotaging your relationships.

Make a list of situations or experiences that have caused you to react negatively in the past and explore the emotions behind those reactions.

This exercise can help you gain a better understanding of your emotional landscape and empower you to respond differently in the future.

15. Develop Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions as well as empathize with others.

By improving your emotional intelligence, you can gain better control over your reactions and avoid self-sabotaging behaviors that stem from being emotionally impulsive.

Practice active listening, expressing gratitude, and showing empathy toward your partner to cultivate emotional intelligence and strengthen your relationship.

16. Embrace Vulnerability

Opening up and being vulnerable with your partner can be incredibly challenging, especially if you’re afraid of rejection or have experienced emotional pain in the past.

However, vulnerability is essential for building trust and intimacy in a relationship.

Encourage honest conversations with your partner about your fears, insecurities, and needs.

By sharing your vulnerabilities, you can foster a deeper connection and reduce the likelihood of self-sabotaging behaviors.

17. Cultivate a Growth Mindset

Adopting a growth mindset means embracing the belief that you can learn from your experiences and develop new skills over time.

This mindset can help you view setbacks and challenges as opportunities for growth rather than reasons to self-sabotage.

Focus on the lessons you can learn from your relationship experiences, both positive and negative, and use that knowledge to foster personal growth and create a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.

19. Build a Support Network

A strong support network can play a significant role in overcoming self-sabotaging behavior in relationships.

Surround yourself with friends, family members, or mentors who can offer guidance, encouragement, and a listening ear when you need it.

Sharing your experiences and challenges with others can help you gain new perspectives and reduce feelings of isolation, making it easier to navigate the complexities of relationships.

Frequently asked questions

1. What is self-sabotage in a relationship?

Self-sabotage in a relationship refers to behaviors, actions, or thought patterns that undermine the health and success of the relationship. It often involves unintentional actions or decisions that create unnecessary problems, conflicts, or barriers to intimacy and happiness in the relationship.

2. How do I know if I am self-sabotaging my relationship?

You may be self-sabotaging your relationship if you notice recurring patterns of behavior such as excessive jealousy, mistrust, avoidance of vulnerability, picking fights over small issues, or neglecting your partner’s needs. Self-awareness is key—reflect on your actions and their impact on the relationship.

3. What are some common signs of self-sabotage in relationships?

Common signs include excessive criticism of your partner, avoiding communication, withholding affection or intimacy, bottling up emotions, constantly seeking perfection, or not setting healthy boundaries. These behaviors can erode trust and intimacy.

4. Can self-sabotage be overcome, and can a relationship be repaired once it’s been sabotaged?

Yes, self-sabotage can be overcome, and relationships can be repaired with effort and commitment from both partners. Recognizing the issue, open communication, seeking professional help if necessary, and making conscious efforts to change behaviors are crucial steps in repairing a sabotaged relationship.

5. Are there any underlying causes of self-sabotage in relationships?

Self-sabotage can have various underlying causes, including past traumas, insecurities, fear of intimacy, low self-esteem, or unrealistic relationship expectations. Identifying these root causes is essential for addressing and resolving self-sabotaging behaviors.

6. What are some practical steps to stop self-sabotaging my relationship and foster a healthy one?

To stop self-sabotage, focus on self-awareness, open communication, and personal growth. Start by identifying your triggers and working on your self-esteem. Practice active listening, empathy, and compromise in your relationship. Seek couples therapy if necessary, as a professional can provide guidance and tools for building a healthier partnership.

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Take Away

Often, when we react and behave in ways that self-sabotage our relationships, the behavior is instinctive and not thought through but rather driven by feelings of vulnerability, suspicion, and insecurity.

When you feel that you are going to react in a negative way that will sabotage your relationships, take time to breathe, bite your lip, say nothing, and spend time working out what the deep-rooted emotions are that are causing your negative reaction.

Where are these feelings coming from? 

I can almost guarantee that they belong in the past, and you need to deal with them and not allow them to sabotage your current relationship.

Have the courage to be open, honest, and embracing, and realize that life has no guarantees and that you need to appreciate, value, and enjoy what you have in the moment to be the best version of yourself.

Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to be patient with yourself as you work through these issues.

Just by acknowledging your self-sabotaging behavior and taking steps to address it, you’re already making progress.