In my experience, being critical is the worst form of communication, as it causes so much harm. A critical husband uses criticism to defend themselves or to strike out at you, their partner, and this is very difficult to deal with.
Criticism is a powerful emotion that is expressed to safeguard yourself or hurt your partner during a heated argument. In an abusive marriage, couples tend to criticize one another to the point of exhaustion and through this, they damage their relationship.
Having a critical husband who is constantly making negative comments is very upsetting, to say the least. It may feel like he is constantly criticizing you, leading you to believe that you are inadequate. Over time this constant criticism will threaten your self-esteem, self-confidence, and your overall sense of well-being.
You won’t be able to predict when he’ll be in a bad mood or how long it will last. But with this constant criticism, everything becomes more challenging. Even the most loving partners may struggle with managing a critical spouse.
It’s not fun and can feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells to avoid his wrath.
Whether your husband has trigger points or simply needs time alone to recharge his batteries, it’s important to know how to manage his critical behavior so both of you can feel safe at home and resume a normal life as fast as possible.
What Does Critical Mean?
Being critical can mean different things to different people. For some, it may simply mean giving constructive feedback. Others may see it as a way to point out flaws and shortcomings. And still, others may view it as a form of attack.
In a marriage, a critical husband damages you as a person, and the criticism leads to marital conflict. It can erode trust and lead to feelings of insecurity.
If your husband is a critical person and is constantly putting you down, belittling you, or making you feel bad about yourself, it can also be considered a form of emotional abuse.
A critical husband, for example, might constantly point out his wife’s flaws or criticize her decisions. This can be extremely frustrating and hurtful, and over time you will find it difficult to make decisions.
Dealing with a critical husband can lead to serious problems in the relationship.
Complaining versus Critical Communication
There is a big difference between complaining and criticism.
Complaining is honest communication with your partner regarding a certain aspect of their behavior. The aim of this form of communication is to express a desire to improve your relationship and thereby improve the functioning of the family.
The complaint is not constant, should be expressed in a calm tone, and should be specific, relating to one or two areas where change is needed. This form of communication is seeking a positive outcome.
Critical communication on the other hand is when one spouse is constantly criticizing the other spouse. The criticism is often communicated in a demeaning, aggravated tone, it occurs often and relates to all aspects of the relationship.
This is a negative form of communication and has a negative impact on the marriage.
If you are in a marriage and your husband is a critical person you will need to find ways to deal with your husband’s behavior and critical comments.
Is Critical behavior Abusive?
The answer to this is probably subjective. My personal point of view is that an overly critical partner means that the relationship is abusive.
The reason is, that living with a husband that is super critical, will over time result in an emotional response within you that affects your mental health conditions, results in you having low self-esteem and you losing the close connection that you may have had with your husband.
If your husband is constantly being critical, has anger management issues, and has a negative emotional reaction to everything that you do, this is not a good foundation for a happy marriage.
For a number of reasons, you probably can’t just pack your bags and leave even though living under these conditions means that your home doesn’t feel like a safe space for a healthy relationship.
So the real question is how can you manage to deal with your husband’s critical behavior so that you can achieve some sort of peace in your relationship and home?
Understanding Why people are often overly critical
Why is it that some people are so overly critical of the people that are closest to them?
When you have a negative spouse, it may help to try and understand why they are so critical. The good news is that your husband’s behavior has nothing to do with you and says more about him as a person.
If you learn more about your husband’s childhood you will probably discover that he had critical parents. His parents/parent may have picked on him and made him feel unworthy. As a child, he had a lack of control over his environment and no safe space to be nurtured.
As an adult, when he feels vulnerable and out of control he will be triggered into acting out the bad habits he learned as a child when he felt hurt, unsafe, and unable to please his parents.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am not defending his behavior in any way, as I believe that a husband that is critical is verbally abusive. I just want you to understand that his supercritical behavior is about him and not about you.
If you need to stay in the marriage for whatever reason, you will need to understand that your happiness is in your hands and your hands alone. You don’t need another person’s approval to be happy.
You will need to protect your self-esteem from his critical nature and find a safe place with your close friends and family.
How to live with a husband that is critical
If you are currently having to deal with a husband that is moody and criticizes everything that you do, life can be very tough and you may be desperate to leave him but not in a position to do so.
Let’s take a closer look at different ways you can approach this problem that will have a positive impact on your family and home life.
Know Your husband and Yourself
The first step is to know your husband and yourself.
If you and your husband have been together for a while, you should have a pretty good idea of what will make him cranky and critical and what will not.
Think about what he usually does when he gets critical and determine which things can be avoided if any.
When you know your husband, you can better recognize the triggers that make him worse and send him off into a critical tirade.
This will help you avoid unnecessary arguments and make your husband feel more comfortable knowing that you are aware of his triggers and are actively trying to avoid them.
Set Boundaries and Don’t Take it Personally
You will need to learn to set and maintain healthy gentle boundaries.
You will not be able to set down the law and use threats to make your point, if and when boundaries are crossed. The boundaries will have to be nurtured and gently enforced by you pushing back slowly during times when your husband is in a good mood.
I would emphasize that the boundaries need to be gentle because you are attempting to make the most of a situation that is not ideal.
You do not want to trigger your husband’s defense mechanism relating to his own hurts probably from his childhood. So take a deep breath and go gently.
If your husband is willing, couples counseling may be a good idea to help him identify what he needs to feel better, more secure, and less critical.
But once he knows what would be helpful, he will need you to hold firm to your gentle boundaries.
You need to establish these gentle boundaries and let him know when he is crossing them. This is hard work, as it doesn’t mean you don’t care about how he’s feeling, but it does mean that you need to help him feel safe and contained so that he can learn to manage his moods.
Just bear in mind that abusive people often do not see the problem as lying with them and may not be interested in going to couples counseling or gentle boundaries and will try to blame you for their behavior.
Make Time for Exercise
If your husband is feeling cranky and moody, he may need some time to himself. He may also need more exercise, which can be helpful to regulate moods.
People with mood disorders, such as anxiety and depression, sometimes have irregularities in neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.
Exercise can help boost serotonin and dopamine, regulate norepinephrine, and help people with mood disorders to sleep better, think more clearly, and regulate their moods.
Initiate micro-commitments as a way of dealing with your husband’s overly critical behavior and bad moods.
Micro-commitments are commitments that take very little time or effort but allow you to say, “I’m thinking of you,” or “I am supportive of you” and this should result in him feeling calmer, more able to manage his mood and in a position to contribute towards the development of a positive relationship.
It may be that your husband just needs a reminder that you still love and care for him and that he is important to you. Let him know that he is not alone and that you are there for him.
Try to be more mindful of the words you use and the tone you take when talking to your partner. Instead of coming from a place of judgment, try to come from a place of understanding and compassion.
If you can do that, you’ll be on the right track to a healthier, happier relationship.
Establish Rituals Together
Many partners with mood disorders have found success in creating and maintaining mood-regulating rituals.
Mood-regulating rituals are a set of activities that partners apply in moments of extreme stress to help manage their moods.
They can be used as a preventative measure during daily living and can be helpful during moments when one or both partners are experiencing a substantial increase in stress or anxiety.
You may want to consider working with a therapist to help you come up with things that have worked for other couples in your situation. And you don’t have to come up with the same things that have already been discovered – you can come up with something completely new that fits your relationship and your needs.
Talking with your partner about what he needs and helping him feel connected to you can help him regulate his mood and feel loved.
Establishing these rituals should be done gently during a period when there is calm in the home.
Identify triggers and try to manage them
If your husband has a mood disorder, there are certain cues that predict when his mood will be triggered.
This could be eating a certain food, being around a certain friend, lack of sleep, financial stressors, or many other things.
The more you know about your partner’s triggers, the more you can help yourself and him to avoid them.
When you know what triggers his mood, you can help him prepare for the mood. This can be as easy as putting a meal in the fridge for him if he is someone who gets critical when he is hungry.
You can also help him avoid situations in which he gets triggered.
Help Him Feel Managed and Safe
If you can help your husband feel managed and safe, he will feel less anxious and in turn, his mood will improve.
If your husband has a mood disorder, his mood may be unpredictable. He may have times when his mood is good and times when it’s not. This makes it hard for him to function at work and at home.
When he’s in a bad mood, you may want to give him some space. Let him know that you are available when he feels better.
When he’s in a good mood, be sure to connect with him and let him know that you appreciate his positive mood.
Couples therapy may assist you both as a couple to be able to manage this process.
His behavior is not about you
It is critical to engage in self-reflection and stay in tune with how you feel.
When you try to remain positive and perform your best and you get beaten down and humiliated in front of your children or in front of other family members and friends, life can get you down. It is especially embarrassing if you are ridiculed in front of your loved ones.
As you now have a better understanding of why your spouse is so critical, it should be easier to remember that it has nothing to do with you.
It is frequently said that we inflict our worst selves on those we love the most.
To Your Future Self
So we have discussed :
- What does critical mean?
- The difference between critical and complaining
- Is critical abusive behavior?
- Understanding why people are often critical
- How to manage your critical husband.
You currently need to or want to stay in the marriage with your critical husband. But spend time considering what your future self may say.
You may get to the point when the negative criticism and verbal abuse may be affecting your health and mental health.
You may not want to deal with the emotional roller coaster of a marriage with an overly critical spouse.
Should you no longer want to be in this position, you need to give yourself permission to leave and remember that your husband’s critical behavior is not about you.
Your future self may need to seek professional help either through a clinical psychologist, the national domestic violence hotline, or social support.
Should you get to the point where there are just too many bad days, it’s okay to leave. You have not failed, you have actually done a brilliant job to get this far.
You are responsible for creating a happy life for yourself. Life is short and unpredictable, and being grateful for each day and cultivating positive interactions should be your goal.
Managing a critical husband can be challenging, even for the most understanding of partners. It can be helpful to try to understand why he is in a bad mood so that you can help him feel better.
When your critical husband is cranky, he may need some space, but he may also need you to be patient, kind, and understanding. You can help him feel better by understanding what he needs, setting boundaries, and helping him feel managed and safe.
However, should your attempts at managing the situation fail or become too overwhelming then it is also fine to leave.
Leave knowing that you have tried your best because you are not responsible for another person’s behavior and cannot change it.